Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if certain things that have happened in the past had actually followed through and happened. As much as I believe we are all destined for something great, there are our choices that alter our destiny.

I don't want my friendships changing like the turn of the season anymore. I want a group of friends I can call my own. It has always been the same thing each year, and i'm over it. I am 23 and I want a friend to be my friend. Not someone who is going to get a girlfriend and not talk to me anymore. Or someone who is going to get upset and jealous and leave me because they feel I like them less. I want friends that I can surround myself any day of the week, day or night, and enjoy their company. I don't want to have to surround myself with alcohol to hang out.. I'm sorry, but the bar scene gets old, very fast. What happened to nights in, board games, and silly pictures and inside jokes created?


For once, I actually do feel like I might be on the right track with that. I do like the company of majority of the people I hang out with. However, minus drama it would be even better. I miss some really great friends from my past and I do want to reconnect with them. See how their lives are going and changing. And be a part of then again. But maybe that is something I have to get over in order to move on. I'm caught in a limbo, and would really enjoy some helpful insight from my LJ friends :)!

Let me know your thoughts, experiences, maybe something I can actually relate too.

Loves, Jessica

Let's see... the past 4 weeks that school has been in session, I have been utterly busy, and love every moment of it. I used to get overwhelmed incredibly easy by the amounts of crap that used to be on my shoulders, but I guess this year I have a different outlook.

I am enjoying the million things I am involved in.. I think it is making me a better person, and I am learning something new each day! I finding that I am becoming more organized, and more knowledgeable about books. I feel like I can actually attempt to have a conversation with adults now, and not feel like I am the last one to know things. MY staff is utterly amazing and supportive, and I value that at my district. I am also realizing that sometimes the people you least expect to be your best friend end up having the most in common with you. And the ones that you were inseparable with, unfortunately dwell on situations that need a positive solution. And if they don't listen to you, then they just keep talking about it... I can't stand the negativity, fix the problem, or work on fixing it! :)

I'd like to say I'm a positive person and truly enjoy the good things about life. Don't get me wrong, I get in funks.. Like this weekend... being surrounded by my brother and friends whom I have known since I was in diapers. I love them, and their wives are amazing... I do get along with them almost 30somethings, but it made me realize how much I wouldn't mind to date. I would love to be involved with someone on a more romantic level, but I'm too picky and choosy... I guess instead of finding a Mr. Right now, I want Mr. Right to marry now... that's where I find myself dwelling. However it lasts for maybe a few hours, than I realize how happy I am to have a job that i'm starting to adore, a family that is continually growing, and friends that are pretty genuine. It is the same situation for me year after year, but I am growing to like it.

Now that I am done being sidetracked, I will continue my original point. I love that I have the responsibility of the library as my classroom. I love interacting with all grade levels, especially the older ones. I realize now that I am completely different than them, and I have the control. And they aren't too scary any more. Coaching is making me a better person, or assisting in coaching I should say. I am learning a lot about volleyball and I really like starting to be active again. I have my first meeting with the yearbook lady next week, and can't wait to take on that project! And being in charge of the activities and facilities uses at school make me feel like I am important! I feel like for once, I am right where I want to be. I feel like I did when I was a freshman in college, people realizing who I am, and the true "me". :::sigghh:: I miss those days!

I just like to be busy I guess! But i'm not overly busy, which is always a plus... I still make time for cooking dinner (like tonight) and hanging out with my family...
My best friend does come back hopefully in the next two weeks, so I hopefully will have that part of my life back...
I feel like I am finally on the right track.. now if a little lovin could come my way, that'd be great! :)


Off to finish some work for school.. Miss and love you fabulous people! xoxo


Jessica

Summer is nearly ending, even though in my mind it just started to begin.. Damn.

I have a gorgeous new niece who is nearing her 2nd month of life! I am so excited, but I haven't seen her really since she was born. I'm a bad aunt.
I went on two amazing vacations, and really wish they never ended.
I floated the river once, and I am hoping to this Sunday..again, that would be glorious being surrounded by drunks throwing up in a grotequely cold and dirty water :) It is fun with good company though!
I have worked at my school integrating our new math curriculum, which was a fun and interesting process.. I never want to look at a math book ever again.
Today I moved all my remaining Kindergarten classroom materials into the library, which is my new domain... This shall be an interesting year, even though I am completely and utterly scared and overwhelmed out of my mind. I am the last person you would ever imagine in a library, for over 900 students.. Yipes. Help?

I caved and bought a new laptop, which I love and adore... However I want my old pictures from my previous dead laptop... anyone know how to extract old harddrives?
Asus, pronounced, aces, is a pretty nice brand.. Never heard of it? Well than you're not in the loop! (Like I was :) )

That pretty much is about it.
I live an exciting life, yep yep.

:)

I recently got my first job offer, and I haven't even walked the line at my graduation. Life just seems to move oh so fast!

If I take the position for Kindergarten, it would be an amazing foot in the door, and I would have six months under my belt.. rather than taking it day by day with a different class and different schools...

But I surely would miss them....


((my last day of official student teaching))

I love them... and I will miss my Guppies!

Hmm.. off to chance a new endeavor...woot!

Student teaching is going fantastic... I fall more in love with it each day.
However, the planning, the time consumption, the toll it takes on me, my time, my life, it just feels like there is nothing outside of it, and this is just the practice run. Is this how it's always going to be? Ever a happy-medium?
I'm fully phased in, but this new math curriculum sucks, neither me nor my mentor know what the hell we are doing with it... :( Yay to try something new though, right?

I've been up an hour, and have done 2 loads of laundry, cleaned the pool, watered all the plants, cleaned my room, reloaded and ran the dishwasher, and will now go unload it. This is what it's like to be independent? I love it, cannot wait to move out of the rents home in a matter of months. It's going to be expensive, and i'm going to struggle, but I think I need something like that to realize my true worth. I did it for 2 years in Tempe, I can do it again now, but with a degree under my belt and some life lessons too...

Oh how life just seems to pass, I miss a lot. I'm lonely a lot now, as much as I have my family to support me. My best friend is in South Africa, and I haven't talked to her since June. My other good friend works all the time and is going through her own depression of losing her best friend to a random gun shot from an argument at a QT back in June.. that's hard, I wouldn't have a clue how to feel or react if I lost the one person I loved and trusted with my entire life, just in the blink of an eye. Yes I have lost loved ones, but never someone like that.. My heart sores to help ease her pain :(
And all the others that yes help me pass the time and the times are fun in the moment, but really are they going to be there for the long run? I don't feel myself letting them in, because I am sick of getting burned, and walked all over by people.. especially those i'm easy to trust.

Oh how life is full of little surprises, it all happens for a reason, and I'll take it day by day and enjoy it, or attempt to :-D.

That's all for now, off to babysit. The best form of Birth Control a single 22 year old female can do! :)

bumpety bump...
hits hard in the road.
stinks a big fat skunk!

Do people that really don't know you, know you better than you know yourself.?? I mean is that a valid point to ever state.... ..

In some cases, it may be true, but I don't know.. He's got this all wrong, and I hate that he even said it.. It's so far from true, but it still makes me think of the possibilities, that will never exist.
I don't like her, not one bit.. she comes in and out of my life and always takes whats mine.. It's been that way for almost 14 years. In the meantime of me never seeing her, she'll find some way to weasle her way back.. I'm sorry you are simply BAD NEWS and I don't want you involved in my life. not one bit. 

I'm probably incredibly rude for even thinking that you can own a person, but what you can do is having something more valuable than owning, you have an amazing friendship, and it's gone in the blink of an eye.  i'm so fed up with people.. the only stable friendship i've ever had has been Nicole... but she's too far away to even understand. 

Maybe i'm alone in feeling this way, however I do not have to justify my meanings.  I have this gut wrenching feeling that this particular female is simply here to defy me... I despise her.

I'm ready to be done, and get out of this state. 

I feel so completed.. 

2nd interview lined up on Friday @ Tapatio
Got fingerprint card filed out and ready to be mailed today
Got to see danyellie and hubbs and converse for a bit 
Got a new cell phone for free, finally :) 
Went shopping and got a new cute little cocktail dress to wear tonight
I'm potentially seeing an old crush from high school tonight (YEEPPS)
I get to hang out with two of my most favorite people tomorrow, that I haven't hung out with in god knows how long.
I helped my sister find her wedding dress (!!! YAY !!!)
I've been working out, not as much as I should, but i am workin on it
I start school in a week and I got a loan from asu for 5500 to basically cover it :) YAY
I am excited for the semester even though it is going to be incredibly hard, i cannot wait
People are back in town, so lets hang out
I've made a vouch to not drink, for a while... only maybe a beer, if that..
I've also made a vouch to try everything new :) And live like I used to.. Busy to the extreme, and loving it every day :)
YAY ME. 

k i'm done :) 

muah

Goodnight..
just remember this isn't me being selfish, more or less just had expectations for you people and hoped that you would atleast make me feel special on my birthday like friends are suppossed to do.. 

I need new friends, and old friends to surround me. I really miss certain people, hopefully you know who you are.. Seriously let's catch up, i need a familiar face. ;)

i can't believe in a matter of a day and some hours i'm officially 21!!
ack.
i'm scarred for tomorrow night. don't kill me friends :)♥

Summer school starts next week..
I need a 2nd job, any ideas? Something that I can work Mon-Thurs and get hourly or something from like 9-4.. i'm broker than shiat.
Jordin won last night, i'm uber excited for our hometown girl! (and for some my twin LOL).
I cut my hair... i have bangs, it's really creepy and annoying... it'll take some getting used to
I miss people and i've been hanging out with old friends, so it's really nice to see some of those faces
I finally got some sun on Tues w/ stewie and houston it was amazing
I only have 2 shifts this weekend, so let's hang out
I want to cuddle
My room is still up and coming but i'm getting excited to shop for it
I might be moving out in 8 months
A friend of mine is going to basic camp for the ARMY and i'm gonna miss her a lot :(
SKYE needs business, so come visit me :) hahaha
I have a lot to do today, and no will to.. help

Send me love i miss colorado more than anything...
and i'm 21 in 23 days! yay
love.
jess

It's funny to think I have a year and a half left of school.
I'm at the peak of my adolesence, 2 months near the ending of it and entering the area of "adulthood" where I have to take on even more responsibility for what I do, how I act, and the life I tend to live.

In the recent week or two I have seriously put off as much as I shouldn't be, but I am my own boss, and I thought I owed myself a break to live and enjoy and be with my friends. Wth the passing of a friend you realize a lot, and I realized that all I would do is work work work and work on school work and never allow myself the time to enjoy.. well I was just looking at pictures from past years, thanks to nancy :) from her facebook, and I realized I used to be so carefree and fun, and outgoing.. and for some reason I have lost touch with that side of me.
I used to not care what others thought, I would go oout and enjoy myself, meet new people and just me charasmatic and live it up... now it seems as all I do is stress and am grumpy..
Well here is my toast, and my vow to myself, that from this day forward I am always going to be there for my friends, my family. and live my life as full as i can make it. Not to stress the little things, overcome the obstacles, meet people, get in touch with an old friend, and allow myself to love, forgive but never forget, and just to be me :)

On that note.. I am gonna pack and here comes country thunder :)
Love you all more than you will ever know :)

i'm ready to give up and throw the towel in...

This is now the third person in the last month that has been close to me and died.. i'm completely emotionless...

Brian you were very much loved, and you will truly be missed. I will miss our ramblings bout life all throughout the skye restaurant.. and as terry sang tonight
"We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?"

Love you and miss you always. xo

why is the one thing i used to care only about, makes me cringe everytime i think of it.. and then i find out the news for next year and it makes me utterly cringe more and just think, we are going to need a very large sink, b/c we are goin down the drain, fasssst

i cant wait until summer.

I cannot say how nice it is that I am off of work, not thinking about work.. but still I have the damned internship.. It's due on friday, and i haven't given it to her.. i'm scared. Because I feel like all I do is just sit there.. and do nothing but have a bunch of eyes stare at me and wonder why the heck i'm there..
I was never introduced.. I feel unproductive, and plus I can't help the students w/ their work... I have no idea how to do geometry.. i wasn't ever any good at it...
Well it'll work out for the best, right?
I still have homework but I wont start it until wednesday.. i gave myself that time :)
i'm looking forward to much social time w/ missed friends.. as well as I have been hanging out w/ me madre a lot lately.. spending money on nothings and getting my room together..
I got my nails done for the first time and it's a bit weird.. because i can't type normal, write normal and really do anything because they are long and in the way... but pretty!

I'm ready for summer.. and a new position at work :)
yay team.

xo..
i can't wait for hillbilly day w/ hubbs and wife. yay

ps anyone wanna go w/ me and some friends to country thunder.. i'll sign you up. the more the merrier and it's only like 100 bux + some to contribute to campsite/food/alchie :)
xo let me know!

"in a room full of people I still feel incredibly alone"

homework list continues
tests to study for is hard
CTEL at west effin sucks balls.
friends irritate me
family ceases to surprise me
customers blow
lack of communication is the worst of it.


EDIT:
it's amazing how one conversation can completely calm you down... yet you still feel completely en-raged.
i love u wife